The Big 2-0

Holy fucking shit. I'm almost legal enough to buy alcohol in the United States, and six months from petitioning my mother to become a permanent resident there.

Though technically I don't turn 20 until 6:04 pm PST...which equates to 9:04 in the fucking morning on the 20th here. Numerology's so fun. Anyhoos, I'm gonna take the extra time off from work (doesn't start till 1 on Fridays) to go check out some malls as they open. And/or visit my old alma mater. Seriously, if they banned me from entering they'd tell me. Besides which, 4 years is a bit long (for them, not me) to hold a grudge, right?

Which brings me to something quite serious that I've been thinking of doing. Actually...I've been thinking of doing that for a very long time. Ever since I knew what that concept was. No, it's not sex. But the lack of it has helped me become more confident that I'll do that thing. And these days, every time I think of it I'm a lot less afraid. More like resigned. For one, there's the fact that I really don't have to say goodbye. And regardless of where I'm going after I die or if I'm reincarnated or if I just go "poof" I really don't have to worry about the suffering/benefits I'd bring upon my relatives etc.

I recently purchased Dante's Inferno. To help pass some time. That and for some crazy reason I now think it's a "real estate brochure." That's fucked up. Of course, becoming a tree pecked at by bird-people seems a lot less relatively painful than being frozen in ice or submerged up to thine lashes in boiling blood. Which reminds me that if I do end up in Hell, then other people's suffering would most certainly be the LEAST of my worries. It'd definitely save my family a lot of expense of the Church not allowing a funeral.

I'm 20 for crying out loud, and I'm pretty much where I've been for the last 10 years. I would have made something of myself even after the asylum shift, but I was forced to move back here, essentially making 1 1/2 years of trying to live a new life all for naught save for a few college transfer courses. I hate living here. I can't get over the language barrier and college transactions are a far cry from the simplicity they were in my old community college. 3 signatures from 2 different buildings and 121 pesos for something I could just get with a couple of free clicks online? Fuck no.

But I deserve that. Still, it's hard to swallow that I've only made it this far after 20 years. Still living in my parents with no way to financially sustain myself (would have had a way were I not forced back), placed right in the middle and just out of reach of scholarships, and just not good enough to achieve with the best. Pretty much all of the people I talk to on more than just a class-only basis (not counting relatives) are online and probably feeding off my private data as I speak.

And last weekend I learned that the older brother of someone who picked on me back in school just got elected Senator of this great country. It really goes to show you whom fate favors in the end, afterlife fate or not.

Wth. I'm probably going to wuss out. I really don't want to die in this country though. Of course...I'm feeling particuarly "resigned" (as I put it) that I'll probably be super-scared again later. Perhaps the fact that I'm actually focusing on living my daily routine "as is" is not only helping me stay "resigned," but also that

Anyhoos, later on after my shift's done I'm going to head out to the mall and see if I can snatch me up a PSP camera and then treat myself to a real dinner for one than just the P99 Value Meal at Tropical Hut. Jesus, I can't even get a decent burger for P100? The most I got for P60 was cold pancit. Tomorrow morning I'll probably take shitloads of pictures if I'm let into my old campus, and then head to work. Hopefully it'll be raining or at least cloudy.

Oh, and I found my USB flash disk. Turns out that one of the tech people retrieved it but didn't turn it in to the lost and found. Nice.